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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  October 17, 2014 12:01am-12:32am PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: what's cooler tan being cool? (cheers and applause) >> he 11:59 and 59 second this happened on reddit this videoio from a few years ago resurfaced on the front page of reddit but also on our gringe which means buckle up, it going to be a creepy takeoff, how creepy? i am not doing a bit, this is the worst thing i've ever seen on the internet. it's some blindfolded teens
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being publicly trick mood making out with their parents. you just heard the words. crew members assume the gringe position. goddamn it! goddamn it! oh! i would rather watch someone throw up into a butthole. and did you see-- like that last mom like grabbed her son's hand and put it like on her hip. you're going to [bleep] you're going go to your room without dinner mister. don't worry, the principal issued an apology. so i'm sure that will make everything better and none of these kids will grow up to be strippers.
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frankly i think the whole town should apologize and then just walk into the ocean. that's my feeling. good news is that this was a few years ago so now the kids should be well into college. so they'll be hanging socks on their doors when their parents come to visit. and then having those weird conversations with the roommates like oh i lost my virginity as prom what but. father-daughter dance. so comedians, let's assume for these people this is totally normal and all in good fun and their siblings aren't also their children give us a line breaking up with your mom or dad, scott aukerman, go. >> sorry mom, but nine months in there was enough. >> oh yeah. (laughter) >> jon daly. >> it's over mom i'm so sorry about what i did to your vagina. i was just a babby!
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>> brett gelman. >> mom and dad, this is really great for a while but i have just kind of gotten to this point in my life where i've realized that you want to [bleep] me. (laughter) and you know you know i'm just kind of in a place right now where i just want to [bleep] people who are you know not my parents. (laughter) >> it's time to start @midnight. >> welcome to @midnight. >> i need a shower on the inside now. tonight is tag team thursday. >> drink some water. >> i should. >> that's all it is. >> i guess that is like having a shower on the inside. tonight's comedians are playing for followers of the
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@midnight twitter account so they and their partners will be winners from tonight bang bang on ifc scott aukerman. >> hello america. scott who are you playing for. >> i'm playing for@broke does wife. >> from kroll show on comedy central jon daly is here. >> hi! hi. hi. thank you. thank you. very excited to be here thanks, chris. >> who are you playing for. >> i'm playing for@tangg. >> all right. from married thursdays on fx brett gelman is also joining us tonight. >> who are you playing for. >> i'm playing for-- i'm playing for@nimes. ripped from internethead lines it's rapid refresh. this amazing video appeared
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on youtube earlier this week and has over half a million views, it answers the question what if europe was a song. ♪ ♪. >> then all of a sudden this amazing thing happened. ♪ ♪ ♪. >> now wait a minute you happened to miss that let's flip that back and watch it in slow motion all right. oh i love it, i love it. oh they saw me oh, yeah, whatever. whatever. i wasn't-- having a good time. but i actually want to go back to one more thing really, really really quickment if you look at the sign in the old saloon back here, this is as den gulden snor which is danish for the golden mustache so there is some weird tavern called the
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golden mustache. what kind of business do you think the golden mustache actually is, scott aukerman. >> i think it's like a bar that tom sell eck goes to get peed on. >> that is a very specific -- >> yeah it's the one place in the world. >> yes that he can do it. >> brett gelman. >> i think it's a safe haven for people who are interested in water sports but not yet quite ready to take the golden shower plunge. >> okay. just feeling it out. >> try it out. >> yeah. all right, next. >> daily has an article that has been making rounds about a talking african gray parrot named nigel who mysteriously vanished four years ago. then returned home to his own never california but the owner is reporting that something is not quite right about nigel since he came back from sabbatical. accord together article what is different about this mother [bleep] parrot? >> language. >> a nigel raps all the
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words to eminem's marshal mathers lp perfectly? b nigel only speaks spanish now and keeps asking for someone named larry. c he keeps repeating strip club jargon like come to the main stage and fellas give it up for destiny squawk. (applause) scott aukerman. >> i think it's got to be b, although gosh i wish that he was hanging out in a strip club for four years. >> let's find out. the correct answer is b. only speaks espanol. this is muy mysterioso but for bonus points, where do you think nigel has been these last quatro anos, jon? >> chris he's been hanging out with a bunch of goddamn crackers. (applause) >> i get that. i understand that. >> oh yeah.
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thank you. >> a hundred point force jon daly, brett gelman. >> i think he's been in a place only his nightmares can explain and i know his owners. and they said before he left he was interested in water sports but-- (laughter) >> so you think he went to the golden mustache. >> since he's returned, he's way into it and it's not some of sexually as it's like the only thing can assuage his crippling anxiety whenever anybody says his name. >> points for brett gelman. that's the end of rapid refresh. it's time for our hashtag wars. apple dropped the ipad air today and because we're all [bleep] lemmings we'll probably buy it but there is a lot of crappy technology out there that no one wants. let's find out what those products are with tonight's hashtag ruinedtechnology. ruinedtechnology.
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examples sweety palm pilot or ibs tracking. i put 60 seconds go. >> scott aukerman. >> meats by dre. >> yes points. >> brett. >> microsoft penis. >> points. >> three-way it just gives you directions to a three-way. >> perfect points. >> that's not ruining anything brett. >> macbook pro joe piscopo. >> oh my god. a joe piscopo reference within points. >> so good. >> jon daly. >> human flesh light. >> yes, points. >> scott aukerman. >> i watch, you pee. >> yeah. >> you're playing the game now right. >> no, i'm just telling you i watch you pee. >> you want to go to the golden mustache, okay points, brett gelman. >> yahoo! sirius/xm radio. >> oh my god a piscopo
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reference and a yahoo! sirius reference. >> jon. >> the new apple paltrow. >> yes points. >> brett gelman. >> wamazon bamazon, thank you amazon. >> goddamn it brett gelman. >> points. >> send us your hashtag ruinedtechnology to keep the game going. we'll be back with more @midnight. >> congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag war. well played. when we say the all-new chrysler 200 is all-new, we mean it. we used the latest tools and built a new state of the art manufacturing plant.
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we gave it new, smart technology. we challenged conventional thinking with a more intuitive design. and we set new expectations of what an american sedan can be. the all-new chrysler 200. america's import. the award winning guinness master brewers proudly introduce new guinness blonde american lager. deliciously crisp and flavorful, brewed with mosaic™ and willamette american hops and using centuries old guinness brewing artistry and traditions. the first addition in the new guinness discovery series. discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself.
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new guinness blonde american lager ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪
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welcome book @midnight. it is time to play the blunder years. the blubder years. -- blunder years. >> what would you do if i sang out of tune ♪ ♪ last week i asked to you tweet us your most embarrassing school photos using the hashtag midnight midnightschoolpics. and you answered the call. we culled through the best ent row after sleepless nights and made a game. before we begin i'm going to give you a taste this is my 6th grade picture. awww. look at that. look at that little guy. (applause) little guy was president of the chess club in that
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picture. >> you look like jim in accounting. >> you look like a professional kid. >> i will show you an embarrassing school photo tweeted from one of our loyal viewers for 250 points i want to you tell me what their school superlative was like most this most that, first one. @jonathan gave us -- >> scott. >> (laughter) >> it almost-- it looks like the photographer was like -- >> okay look to the side not at me. >> please. >> and you're ug leas [bleep] (cheers and applause) >> surprise! points to gelman. >> aukerman. >> most likely to bite off his capper's penis. (applause)
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>> by the way he is making the same goddamn face. same goddamn face. in is definitely that guy. next one@grahammossimann. i guess it makes sense that he now works for 98.1 the bridge. >> yes brett. >> most likely to be called man from behind. >> yes points for sure-- ma'am from behind. >> next one. >> @bruschi 4broski. >> yeah. it says first day of school our parents dressed us up like eastern european immigrants. >> scott.
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>> most likely to be ethnically cleansed. (applause) >> rules dictate that they reacted well. i must give you points jon daly. >> most likely to run a sleeper cell out of a deli. >> mr. gelman. >> most likely to be voted sexiest siblings by their parents. (applause) @alisattnbx. >> an explosion of color. >> jon daly. >> most likely to try and smoke a cigarette out of her vagina. >> yes. actually. >> and eventually become very good at it. >> i think she might be doing it in that picture right there. all right points. and that takes us to the end
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of the blunder years. thank you for participating guys. time for our live challenge sexy and sustainable. (applause) you have and your significant other been wanting to try kinky bondage sex but worried about the negative impact on the environment? well, head on over to jorn to get the world's first investigate an bondage gear. >> no help. >> yes. >> perfect. >> i auditioned for that. (laughter) >> it kind of looks like you got it. >> it looks like you got it. >> this is great for getting domed in portland. please write a line for the he vit for an artisinal hip ster orgy where you might find a yarness in use.
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we'll get more after the break on @midnight.
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having a baby isn't gonna be that hard. i read most of the book.. you didn't read the book. i read some of the book. it's all about being prepared. proper nutrition... keeping the romance alive. level 7! and setting a good example. daddy's trying. we are so ready for this. life can surprise you. so can an allstate agent. from savings on a new car, to discounts on a great car seat. the good hands are doing more than ever before. is (cheers and applause) welcome back to @midnight. before the break we saw a new web site selling adorable vegan bondage gear
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called yarness and i asked to you write a line for the he vit. for this adorable hip ster orgy. >> our soy vegan dildoes are crueltiy free except when mistress jesus uses one to punch your put hole-- if you know how to poop get your poop out. >> that's a mouthful. baby. >> scott aukerman. >> the men are encouraged to climax on top of a pile of antique clocks and music boxes that will later sell to wes anderson. >> okay good. >> (applause) >> brett gelman. >> help our bird nigel knit a bondage pouch to wrap around your penis or place underneath your vagina so that he may partake in your sweet natural gifts of urination.
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it's the only thing that keeps him from repeating es toy murto. >> the clear win certificate -- -- -- the clear winner. >> a story tonight. >> that was the point. we go to our next game lame mobsters, lame mobsters. so tomorrow or today if you want to be technical about it is the an verse of al capone's tax evasion conviction. so in honor of this i would like you to name as many lame mobsters as you can. i will put 60 sontiond the clock and go, jon daly. >> chef bobby spa getios boy-ar-dee. >> ponts. >> gelman. >> francis the wine maker ford coppola. >> points. >> donny gay for pay alfredo. >> points. >> nigel the bird bird.
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(applause) >> i have to give you points for that. >> daly. >> the jimmy the bitch. >> points. >> brett. >> joe macbook pro piscopo. >> stop referencing joe piscopo on the go. >> daly. >> tony masturbacione. (applause) >> points. that'sed end of lame mobsters, i see jon daly you are in third place. we must -- >> thanks guys. >> we must eliminate you. do you have any last words before we -- >> guys, be good to each other and please please watch continually watch @midnight forever. >> nice. >> i have to give you the red light now. >> i'm sorry. >> for jon daly pitty
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[bleep] pitty [bleep] pitty [bleep] pitty [bleep] well hang on jon. >> yeah. (applause) you're the best. >> all right. >> you got it. >> okay. i get it. i get it. that means it's time to change the box. it's for the win. (cheers and applause) finally an app for normal nongrumpy cats an cat owners to follow each other on line. it's called tag a cat. it's like tender for cats
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but without all the undercover cat. what is next grindr for dogs i hope so, please let there be grindr for dogs. so this is a real thing right now that the male has reported on so comedians i would like you to put on your cat hats and write a line from your tag a cat profile. we will have our come yesterday-- comedian's answer and name a winner when we come back. ah! come on! let's hide in the attic. no. in the basement. why can't we just get in the running car? are you crazy? let's hide behind the chainsaws. smart.
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yeah. ok. if you're in a horror movie, you make poor decisions. it's what you do. this was a good idea. shhhh. be quiet. i'm being quiet. you're breathing on me! if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance you switch to geico. it's what you do. head for the cemetery! applebee's let the fans put their favorite dishes on the famous 2 for $20 menu. why did i put the bourbon street chicken and shrimp on applebee's 2 for $20 menu? because it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. hi. oh, happy birthday. applebee's. where fans know best.
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♪ t-mobile's network has more data capacity than verizon or at&t. it's a network designed data strong. ock and roll music ♪ ♪ ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. >> wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe wipe, wipe. i'm going to read the answer as loud so you guys will have the distinct responsibility of determining who shall be the winner. you are also playing four your tag team partner at home. before the break i told but tag a ka. the app that is basically tender for cats. i asked you to write a line from your tag a cat profile. let's see what you wrote. first one looking for bilingual parrot to enjoy water sports that aren't afraid of cats pmeow me if interested. (cheers and applause) >> gee i wonder who wrote that. >> i don't know scott.
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or. >> that was great scott, that was great. >> or, i made over 10 mice per hour working in the laundry pile, click here to find out how. >> definitely number one brett gelman. >> goddamn it! >> you and and-- have won the internet. monday our guests are rob corddry dannah phirman and alison becker. to keep the game going hashtag your to see i i [dance music] [cell phone chimes, vibrates] - oh, god! what? i keep getting all these dick pics sent to me from this random number. [camera shutter clicks] actually this one is really cute. look at that. right? - aw. it's like
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